People really do say stupid things at funerals. My favorite stupid thing was "He's in a better place". Whenever I heard that I just wanted to scream...what better place? The best place for David was here with his wife and baby. Here with his family. Another favorite was "Time will help". Really, after eleven years I can tell you time DOES NOT HELP! My 26 year old brother was beaten to death for driving the speed limit. There is NO help for that!
What I appreciated hearing were the stories about David from his friends. Friends he had that I did not even know. I appreciated hearing the truth which was "There is nothing I can say or do". I appreciated the people that actually did something, like bring over food and take care of the babies for us. And then there was Tina; my dear friend; I was in the pit of hell and there she was sweeping the floor. I can still see her in my mind just being there and doing something as mundane as sweeping the floor. I cannot explain it, it was just so comforting.
Maybe it was just me that found these things people said to be inappropriate. Maybe it is okay to say to someone who has lost a loved one who had been suffering for a long time "They are in a better place".
What do you say or do in these awkward situations? I would really like to know...
When my friend Molly's son died, all I could do was say, "Oh, Honey, I'm so sorry..." and let her fall apart in my arms. So sad...The sad part is, she used to say to Ryan, "Oh, Honey, I wish I could take this pain (the addiction) for you." And now she has.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is breaking for her..a friend of mine wrote a book called the faces of addiction..It is awful because it is the story of so many young people that died..I will continue to keep her in my prayers...
ReplyDeleteHow sad to have lost your Dad at such a young age..I'm so glad you had a friend who knew what you needed..the beach always makes me feel better..Thanks for the comment..keep in touch!
ReplyDeleteHi Doreen, I have been thinking about 'your story' all night. I lost my Mum from a brain tumour over four years ago and have tried to come to terms that it was her time to go etc. But to lose someone in such an awful insane moment of maddness as you have lost your brother, is unconceivable. I agree with you hearing she/he is in a better place, does not not help and time does not heal, it just changes with intensity sometimes more sometimes less, but it does not go away. I think people say these things because of how uncomfortable they feel from having to deal with someone's loss. It's brave of you to write a book about him, I am hoping to do the same for my mum, that is why I started the blog, but I am finding it very painful. Take care :)
ReplyDeleteAngelguided, It was a very painful process at times, the writing, it took me 8 years to finish and I have to tell you it feels like such a release now that it is done! I am sorry about your Mum too; cancer just sucks! I would encourage you to write in little bits and add more when you feel stronger. You take care too :)
ReplyDelete