The never ending thoughts..

 I tried to imagine myself with a hammer and a bat just pounding away at them.  An eye for an eye it is in the bible, right?  The truth is I could not do it.  The thought of hurting anyone like that made me sick to my stomach.  I thought about the atrocities in foreign countries.  It was just not right.  However, was the death penalty right?  I concluded, in my mind it was.  I also concluded it is not right the way it is in now, in America.  It is a joke.  It takes too long. Then there is the issue of mental competence.  Should you be excluded from the death penalty if you are mentally retarded?  Should you be excluded if you are mentally ill?  What if you are a minor and you kill?  I believe every legal step should be taken to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.  It should just be done faster.  I must admit the thought of this whole gang sitting on death row was a pleasant one.  Waiting day after day wondering if this would be the day.  Would that be torturous?  I hoped so.  David was tortured. I hoped they heard Dave’s pleas in their sleep.  I hoped they felt his warm blood splattering on their faces.  I hoped every time they closed their eyes they saw baby Michael’s innocent little eyes. I wanted them to feel every pain David had felt.

It is almost April..

For the past 11 years I have hated April.  Towards the end of March my body begins to feel heavy; I feel depressed and angry.  I am very sensitive to everything, noise, light, happy people..everything upsets me.  Then I realize it is almost April and with the dreaded month of April comes the reminder, the anniversary (how I hate that word) of David's death.  It isn't just me; my husband's body, who's son also died in April, has the same physical symptoms.  For all those people that said time will heal the wounds; I hate you..you lie.  Time changes many things but not the pain and most certainly not the questions I still have unanswered and the mental anguish of what if's. I try to feel differently.  I try to remember the happier memories, try to celebrate the life that lived rather than dwell on the life that ended too soon.  I have so many blessings in my life to be thank full for.  I will be thank full again in May.  For now I will be sad and dread the month of April.

Do you believe in fate?

Just a few years ago, I did not believe in anything anymore.  I was hanging on to faith by a thread, a very thin thread.  I was pretending to have fun.  I joined some dating sights and was dating a lot.  I was pretending to be writing a book.  Typing a few thoughts and sentences each night.  Inside though; I was wallowing in self pity.  I was fighting a fight for justice and I was losing.  I hate to lose!  Then this photo popped up in my in box.  The guy was wearing a tank top (yeah, one of those wife beater ones) and he was leaning against a motorcycle.  My first thought was "oh Lord".  He sold cars for a living.  Ugh!  I was distracted for a few moments and when I got back to my computer the photo was still there.  Usually the screen saving fish would have appeared.  I wondered what happened to them.  There was this man looking at me. His eyes were talking to me.  I answered his e-mail.  Our first meeting was like most first on line dating meetings.  We met at a restaurant.  I was not uncomfortable the way I was on most of these 'first meetings'.  There were those annoying red flags that I swore to myself I would listen too.  He was a recovering alcoholic.  Huge red flag.  16 years sober; the flag faded.  After finishing our conversation and our chicken salads, he asked me to go to the beach with him.  I scared myself and agreed.  I still have no idea how that okay just popped out of my mouth.  He had a stuffed Winnie the Pooh on his dashboard.  I love Pooh.  From the moment I entered his truck I had the strangest feeling.  Not an ut-oh you are about to be axe murdered feeling; more like an out of body experience.  The songs softly coming from the radio were every one of my sentimental  favorites.  I never talked about my brother's murder on a date.  Especially on a first date.  This man started telling me how he lost his seventeen year old son.  Then he mentioned the date his son died.  I gave him what I am sure was the strangest look.  My brother died on the same date.  We arrived at the beach.  It was totally deserted.  We sat there talking, I told him about David.  It seems silly but I swear I had never seen so many stars in the sky in my life.  I should have been freezing.  I'm always cold.  Conversation continued; his father's name was Francis John.   My father's name is Francis John.  They both lived in the same town in Florida.  We both had sisters named Dee.  He told me we were sitting were he scattered his son's ashes.  At that moment fireworks filled the sky.  We had no idea where they came from as the town was literally deserted.  Yes it started with him sending me an e-mail and me answering.  What happened from that moment on I believe was a force much greater than the two of us.  Some force decided two lost, sad souls needed to find one another.  Thirteen months later I married that man on the very spot on the beach where we had our first date.  There are no coincidences in God's world.  I believe in fate.

How is it possible to be so sad and so happy at the same time?

Chapters edited and approved.  Chapters titled (may need edits; have not heard yet.  Dedication written.  This has been the slowest roller coaster ride of my life (well actually I've only been on 2 real roller coasters and I hate them) but..this has been a very long process and I have 2 full files of rejections to prove how long this ride has been.  So now; with a big yes and so much fabulous feedback...why am I crying...all the time?  It is almost like I do not want to let go of all of these thoughts and feelings I have put into words.  Part of me wants to keep them with me in my soul forever and the other part wants to shout them from the mountain tops..maybe my cousin is right..I am having a bipolar moment..maybe I'm afraid of failure..maybe I'm nervous about book #2 and expectations...or am I just relieved!  It  was such a personal story to tell and will effect so many people; hopefully more in a positive way and less negatively.  So here I go up that last hill...

Emotional..

I have 2 1/2 chapters left to edit and then we move on to design..So exciting but I have to admit re-reading and editing some of these chapters has stirred up a lot of emotion and anger..When it gets to be too much I switch to working on something else for awhile or play pogo..I am so addicted to Scrabble Blast!!  I did something a little crazy again today; I applied to be on Deal or no Deal, now I'm panicked..what if I get picked?
It is March and I am always emotional in March because I know April is next and that is the month Dave was killed..it does not get any easier..This year will be 11 years..that blows my mind...will it ever get easier?

They say everyone has a story..this is mine..: I write to express not to impress..

They say everyone has a story..this is mine..: I write to express not to impress..

I write to express not to impress..

My blog has been up for 26 days now and I have 26 followers..some of my new writer friends tell me that is pretty good..Overall it has been a good experience..I am making a lot of diverse new friends in blogger land who are just starting to write or are seasoned professionals, all of them are inspirational and I am very grateful for their advice and encouragement.  Kate was right when she said it is addicting..I just want to write more and more.  I have been working on the outline for my second book which will be another narrative non-fiction; I am excited to get deeper into that one..but one day at a time..