It has been a long week! I am supposed to be reporting here the birth of my 11th grand daughter but last night we found out her c section has been postponed until Tuesday. The reason, it is a holiday weekend and "some of the specialist needed were not available". So first of all I am even more worried then I already was but I have to put my faith in these professionals and I am reminded I am not in charge and everything happens for a reason.
I have recovered from my neck invasion of epidural and steroid shots but still have a pain in my neck and arm..so we will see what that leads to.
My patient Jayne is still in the hospital with diabetes complications and pneumonia and seems to be doing a bit better. I did not have any other patients go into a coma this week, but yesterday I simply had to take a man to the hospital for a doctor appointment and as we walked in the front door of the hospital and I asked to borrow a wheel chair(he has parkinson's and walks with a cane)he fell down. We spent 4 hours in the ER and they admitted him. I then had to take a 101 year old woman to a dentist appointment. I was a nervous wreck. I pick her up and she is a trip, so funny. We get to the dentist office and it is in a big old house with lots of steps. Luckily a gentleman was just leaving and he and I ushered Clementine up the steps. When I dropped her back off at 'the home' I was relieved to say the least.
I have no new book news to report today other than the publication date for "Bristol Stomp" will be announced very soon and I am excited about that. I have 2 other books started and will begin the outline on a 4th sometime next week.
I may have figured out the button thing for my blog; but I'm not sure someone will have to try to grab it and let me know if I succeeded if not I am determined to get it right!
A huge thank you to Mrs.4444's for hosting FF and if you have not checked out her gratitude contest yet be sure to do that(but I am going to win)!
Have a safe Memorial Day Weekend my friends and do not forget the reason for the day. Be sure to thank a soldier!
And I want to thank all of my followers and give you all a great big virtual hug!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
From "Bristol Stomp" The beginning of the baby parade..
In April I was asked to do another poem for NOVA’s ecumenical service. I wanted my poem, this year to be a little more positive, empowering.
There were so many people there that had lost loved ones on 9/11. My heart was breaking for them. Would they ever have justice? Would they ever have the answers they desperately needed?
It was also the third anniversary of David’s death. Although I focused on staying positive, I allowed myself to miss him. I had an overwhelming desire to make him proud of me. I also wanted my kids to see me smile again.
When I would make a negative comment about the sentences, or other arrests being made there were actually people that would say to me, when are you going to get over that? I did not let these comments anger me. I had every right to feel sad, when I was sad. I had every right to miss my brother. I had every right to be angry with a system that was more interested in good percentages and winning elections than it was about protecting people. I was just determined to take my anger and turn it into positive energy. Anger had been like a heavy bundle of bricks hung around my neck. It was so heavy, I could not accomplish anything. Do not get me wrong, I did not suddenly turn into little miss sunshine, I was still angry. I just did not let it control me.
On June 10, 2002, Dominic Angelo Nocito III was born. He struggled to breathe. He had some fluid in his lungs. After a few scary hours he was fine. The nurses in the nursery at Lower Bucks Hospital assured me it was a common problem with babies born via c-section. He also developed jaundice. Joan had it and so did Allyson. At least I knew what that was. It was still awful seeing the tiny little guy under those lights with his eyes covered.
When I finally was allowed to hold him for the first time I was overcome with an empowering feeling of hope. My family had a future and I was holding it in my arms.
Allyson was so excited to be a big sister. She was so protective and actually very bossy over who could hold her brother and when. It was adorable and annoying at the same time.
When a photographer I recognized from The Bucks County Courier Times, showed up at the hospital nursery, I was surprised. When I asked him why they were doing a story on our little one, he told me to do the math. It was nine months since 9/11. Apparently, many babies were expected to be born that week. The tragedy that struck our country brought people together. Everyone just wanted to love each other. To hold on to who and what they had. Yes, that baby boy’s eyes gave me a lot of hope.
In September I learned my son and his wife were expecting. I was ecstatic and honestly overwhelmed. I was having another grand child every six months.
I sat on the front porch with Allyson and asked her, Allyson how did I ever get this lucky to be having so many babies coming into our family? She thought for a minute then looked up at me and said, Mom-Mom, Uncle David knows how much you love babies. He is just going to keep on sending them down from heaven so you don’t have time to be sad anymore. I looked up at the sky and just at that moment there was a beautiful rainbow. I cried and smiled. How is it possible for a seven year old to know the exact thing to say to make me believe? She amazed me.
After a long night of labor and an emergency c section on December 17, 2002, Morgan Layla Timm was born. I was only able to see her for a moment as they were rushing her into the Intensive Care Nursery. She looked so tiny. I noticed a small patch of strawberry blonde hair and chubby little cheeks. Because Jill developed a fever during labor the baby had an infection.
Jill was released after five days and I will never forget going onto the elevator with her to take her home. It hit both of us as the elevator door closed that we were going home without the baby. I will never forget the pain in my own baby girl’s eyes that day. I wanted to fix it for her but there was nothing I could do.
Of course I thought about that awful time when Jill may not have been born. What had I been thinking? Every day I thank God for intervening that day. I prayed to Mary, the blessed Mother, I thanked her for my beautiful daughter and asked her to watch over Morgan and Jill.
After a very frightening seven days, Morgan came home to join our family on Christmas Eve. I believed God only gives you as much as you can handle. It would have been unbearable to celebrate Christmas without our little peach.
There were so many people there that had lost loved ones on 9/11. My heart was breaking for them. Would they ever have justice? Would they ever have the answers they desperately needed?
It was also the third anniversary of David’s death. Although I focused on staying positive, I allowed myself to miss him. I had an overwhelming desire to make him proud of me. I also wanted my kids to see me smile again.
When I would make a negative comment about the sentences, or other arrests being made there were actually people that would say to me, when are you going to get over that? I did not let these comments anger me. I had every right to feel sad, when I was sad. I had every right to miss my brother. I had every right to be angry with a system that was more interested in good percentages and winning elections than it was about protecting people. I was just determined to take my anger and turn it into positive energy. Anger had been like a heavy bundle of bricks hung around my neck. It was so heavy, I could not accomplish anything. Do not get me wrong, I did not suddenly turn into little miss sunshine, I was still angry. I just did not let it control me.
On June 10, 2002, Dominic Angelo Nocito III was born. He struggled to breathe. He had some fluid in his lungs. After a few scary hours he was fine. The nurses in the nursery at Lower Bucks Hospital assured me it was a common problem with babies born via c-section. He also developed jaundice. Joan had it and so did Allyson. At least I knew what that was. It was still awful seeing the tiny little guy under those lights with his eyes covered.
When I finally was allowed to hold him for the first time I was overcome with an empowering feeling of hope. My family had a future and I was holding it in my arms.
Allyson was so excited to be a big sister. She was so protective and actually very bossy over who could hold her brother and when. It was adorable and annoying at the same time.
When a photographer I recognized from The Bucks County Courier Times, showed up at the hospital nursery, I was surprised. When I asked him why they were doing a story on our little one, he told me to do the math. It was nine months since 9/11. Apparently, many babies were expected to be born that week. The tragedy that struck our country brought people together. Everyone just wanted to love each other. To hold on to who and what they had. Yes, that baby boy’s eyes gave me a lot of hope.
In September I learned my son and his wife were expecting. I was ecstatic and honestly overwhelmed. I was having another grand child every six months.
I sat on the front porch with Allyson and asked her, Allyson how did I ever get this lucky to be having so many babies coming into our family? She thought for a minute then looked up at me and said, Mom-Mom, Uncle David knows how much you love babies. He is just going to keep on sending them down from heaven so you don’t have time to be sad anymore. I looked up at the sky and just at that moment there was a beautiful rainbow. I cried and smiled. How is it possible for a seven year old to know the exact thing to say to make me believe? She amazed me.
After a long night of labor and an emergency c section on December 17, 2002, Morgan Layla Timm was born. I was only able to see her for a moment as they were rushing her into the Intensive Care Nursery. She looked so tiny. I noticed a small patch of strawberry blonde hair and chubby little cheeks. Because Jill developed a fever during labor the baby had an infection.
Jill was released after five days and I will never forget going onto the elevator with her to take her home. It hit both of us as the elevator door closed that we were going home without the baby. I will never forget the pain in my own baby girl’s eyes that day. I wanted to fix it for her but there was nothing I could do.
Of course I thought about that awful time when Jill may not have been born. What had I been thinking? Every day I thank God for intervening that day. I prayed to Mary, the blessed Mother, I thanked her for my beautiful daughter and asked her to watch over Morgan and Jill.
After a very frightening seven days, Morgan came home to join our family on Christmas Eve. I believed God only gives you as much as you can handle. It would have been unbearable to celebrate Christmas without our little peach.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Friday Fragments:
Happy Friday Fragments everyone. As usual my life never seems to have a dull moment. Those of you that know; I was in a accident back in September and have been struggling with post concussion syndrome, pinched nerves, herniated disks (4)and a torn rotator. I went yesterday for epidural and steroid injections in my neck and shoulder. I'm here so all went well although if I end up not making any sense it is because of the good drugs!
Also if you know me you know that I recently returned to my job of providing home care for the elderly. My newest client is a severe diabetic and needs someone to just keep her on track med wise and keep her company. I have bonded with her very quickly. Yesterday I was with her from 10am to 1pm and then was scheduled for my procedure at 2. At 11:30 My sweet Jayne went into a diabetic coma. She is in intensive care and I was late for my procedure. Please say a prayer for her.
Good news: I will be getting the release date for my book very soon and I am so nervous in both a positive and negative way. I need to be healthy because I was told this is were the real work comes in. No more sitting at the computer in jammies; I must be ready to put the rubber to the road!
More good news: New grand baby Peyton Elizabeth will make her grand entrance on the morning of May 28th via c-section which is the day before her cousin Adriana Jean turns one. Please say a little prayer for Peyton and my daughter Jillian. It has been a rough 7 and a 1/2 months and I cannot wait to meet her.
My husband is the ultimate mans, man and he is having a lot of trouble dealing with not being able to "fix" me. We are so in love and I feel so sad seeing him feeling so helpless.
Thank you Mrs.4444's for hosting Friday Fragments and I hope you will all scroll down to the link and join in!
I am still having trouble with creating my button but I am determined to get it as soon as the drug clouds leave my head.
I hope you all have a powerful and Positive week!
Also if you know me you know that I recently returned to my job of providing home care for the elderly. My newest client is a severe diabetic and needs someone to just keep her on track med wise and keep her company. I have bonded with her very quickly. Yesterday I was with her from 10am to 1pm and then was scheduled for my procedure at 2. At 11:30 My sweet Jayne went into a diabetic coma. She is in intensive care and I was late for my procedure. Please say a prayer for her.
Good news: I will be getting the release date for my book very soon and I am so nervous in both a positive and negative way. I need to be healthy because I was told this is were the real work comes in. No more sitting at the computer in jammies; I must be ready to put the rubber to the road!
More good news: New grand baby Peyton Elizabeth will make her grand entrance on the morning of May 28th via c-section which is the day before her cousin Adriana Jean turns one. Please say a little prayer for Peyton and my daughter Jillian. It has been a rough 7 and a 1/2 months and I cannot wait to meet her.
My husband is the ultimate mans, man and he is having a lot of trouble dealing with not being able to "fix" me. We are so in love and I feel so sad seeing him feeling so helpless.
Thank you Mrs.4444's for hosting Friday Fragments and I hope you will all scroll down to the link and join in!
I am still having trouble with creating my button but I am determined to get it as soon as the drug clouds leave my head.
I hope you all have a powerful and Positive week!
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Rainy days make me smile..
David always loved rainy days because he was a mason contractor by day and if it rained he had the day off. He loved to spend the day writing music and playing his guitar. One night he taught Allyson how to do a rain dance. Imagine her 3 year old delight when she woke up the next morning to an actual rainy day!
It has really been bothering me lately that we have had so many new additions to our family since David's death. Bothering me in a way as to what do we tell these "new" kids about Dave. They are getting older, they see his picture's and they hear us "mention" him and they ask questions. They are still too young to hear the graphic details. Allyson is now 14 going on 40 and she has very vivid memories of her Uncle. But the little ones they have no clue who this man was. This was one of the reasons I wrote the book. When they are old enough they will be able to read all about their Uncle Dave and who he was, not just "how" he died.
It is raining today and I am smiling and allowing myself to remember the good memories. I just cannot help being just a little angry and a lot sad that David will not be here as we prepare to welcome our newest family member; Peyton Elizabeth who will arrive via C-Section on May 28th. He would have loved the fact that she is being named after an awesome quarterback (not an Eagle) but awesome none the less.
I am overwhelmed by the number of virtual friends I am making and like the title of my blog..They say everyone has a story; everyone does. I am reading some of the saddest stories and some of the most glorious and my favorite the most hysterically funny stories. My sad little blog is growing up and has been getting a lot of followers lately. I cannot tell you how much this warms my heart. I thank Mrs.4444's at "halfpasskissintime" for a lot of my new friends, if you have a chance to visit her the link is down below. She is amazing and is actually having a contest so you will be happy you made the visit. Also all of my new friends at "She Writes" what a great space for us writer's to feel at home. Okay enough rambling for a rainy Tuesday. I wish you all a positive and productive week!
It has really been bothering me lately that we have had so many new additions to our family since David's death. Bothering me in a way as to what do we tell these "new" kids about Dave. They are getting older, they see his picture's and they hear us "mention" him and they ask questions. They are still too young to hear the graphic details. Allyson is now 14 going on 40 and she has very vivid memories of her Uncle. But the little ones they have no clue who this man was. This was one of the reasons I wrote the book. When they are old enough they will be able to read all about their Uncle Dave and who he was, not just "how" he died.
It is raining today and I am smiling and allowing myself to remember the good memories. I just cannot help being just a little angry and a lot sad that David will not be here as we prepare to welcome our newest family member; Peyton Elizabeth who will arrive via C-Section on May 28th. He would have loved the fact that she is being named after an awesome quarterback (not an Eagle) but awesome none the less.
I am overwhelmed by the number of virtual friends I am making and like the title of my blog..They say everyone has a story; everyone does. I am reading some of the saddest stories and some of the most glorious and my favorite the most hysterically funny stories. My sad little blog is growing up and has been getting a lot of followers lately. I cannot tell you how much this warms my heart. I thank Mrs.4444's at "halfpasskissintime" for a lot of my new friends, if you have a chance to visit her the link is down below. She is amazing and is actually having a contest so you will be happy you made the visit. Also all of my new friends at "She Writes" what a great space for us writer's to feel at home. Okay enough rambling for a rainy Tuesday. I wish you all a positive and productive week!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Friday Fragments
I cannot believe it is Friday again already!
I went back to work last week after being off for 6 month's because of injuries
from an auto accident. Everything went well and I am thrilled to be back to work.
I went yesterday for trigger point injections in my neck and would not suggest this for anyone as I am in agony today. Next Thursday they will do an epidural. If I'm not here next Friday you will know it is because I cannot type!
Today is my Mother-in-law's birthday. She passed away 2 years ago and I miss her.
I am really excited that my newest grand daughter (Payton Elizabeth) will be arriving very soon. My grand daughter Adriana will be a year old on the 29th of May, I cannot believe it has been a year. Adriana's older sister Allyson (the first) is 14. Shortly after my brother's murder 2 of my daughter's and my daughter in law where pregnant at the same time. I was happy and overwhelmed. I said to Allyson who was 6 at time "What have I done to be so lucky to be having all these babies"? Allyson thought for a minute and then said "Mom-Mom; Uncle David knows how much you love babies and he is just going to keep sending them to you from heaven so you won't be sad anymore" I believed her.
Happy Friday everyone and the link is down below just scroll on down!
I went back to work last week after being off for 6 month's because of injuries
from an auto accident. Everything went well and I am thrilled to be back to work.
I went yesterday for trigger point injections in my neck and would not suggest this for anyone as I am in agony today. Next Thursday they will do an epidural. If I'm not here next Friday you will know it is because I cannot type!
Today is my Mother-in-law's birthday. She passed away 2 years ago and I miss her.
I am really excited that my newest grand daughter (Payton Elizabeth) will be arriving very soon. My grand daughter Adriana will be a year old on the 29th of May, I cannot believe it has been a year. Adriana's older sister Allyson (the first) is 14. Shortly after my brother's murder 2 of my daughter's and my daughter in law where pregnant at the same time. I was happy and overwhelmed. I said to Allyson who was 6 at time "What have I done to be so lucky to be having all these babies"? Allyson thought for a minute and then said "Mom-Mom; Uncle David knows how much you love babies and he is just going to keep sending them to you from heaven so you won't be sad anymore" I believed her.
Happy Friday everyone and the link is down below just scroll on down!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"Bristol Stomp" more from the sentencing..
My family just gasped. They were going to prison but for only 5 and 8 years!
The moans and crying from their families was over dramatic and very annoying. How dare they? I remember Angela Galione screaming, “Why are they doing this to him”. I really wanted to punch her in her stupid face. Was she really that stupid? Why could she not see her brother for the murderer he was?
Jerry Reeves little brother was crying, “Oh Jerry”. I did feel sorry for him he was just a little kid. I hoped he would learn from this and not follow in his brothers shoes. I hoped his family would teach him right from wrong.
My first question for the court advocates was how long would they actually spend in prison. They said we would talk about it later.
I was in shock. What was Judge Heckler thinking? Five years, eight years, for murder! I felt like he was slapping the jury that had worked so hard in the face. Is that all he felt Dave’s life was worth? I was so hurt. I felt so let down by him. I had admired him through this whole process. I felt he ignored the jury’s findings and went with his own. This was a murder verdict. Did he think David deserved this? Was it possible he believed David started the fight? Did he not hear the testimony? David was just driving home. Galione and Reeves were out looking for someone to ‘mess up’ that night. David, Joey and Anthony did everything they could do to avoid the first fight and then they were ambushed and ran for their lives when the second altercation began. If Heckler felt this was a mutual fight he was wrong. He was very wrong. I was just so devastated.
The only good thing that happened that day was we did get to see them led off again in handcuffs and shackles. They had to listen to their families and the pain they had caused them. I doubted they gave my family or David one thought. I doubted they even grasped the idea of how much damage they had done. Did they even realize they were going to hell? They were probably both just feeling sorry for themselves. I hoped they were scared to death about where they were headed. I hoped they feared for their lives.
The moans and crying from their families was over dramatic and very annoying. How dare they? I remember Angela Galione screaming, “Why are they doing this to him”. I really wanted to punch her in her stupid face. Was she really that stupid? Why could she not see her brother for the murderer he was?
Jerry Reeves little brother was crying, “Oh Jerry”. I did feel sorry for him he was just a little kid. I hoped he would learn from this and not follow in his brothers shoes. I hoped his family would teach him right from wrong.
My first question for the court advocates was how long would they actually spend in prison. They said we would talk about it later.
I was in shock. What was Judge Heckler thinking? Five years, eight years, for murder! I felt like he was slapping the jury that had worked so hard in the face. Is that all he felt Dave’s life was worth? I was so hurt. I felt so let down by him. I had admired him through this whole process. I felt he ignored the jury’s findings and went with his own. This was a murder verdict. Did he think David deserved this? Was it possible he believed David started the fight? Did he not hear the testimony? David was just driving home. Galione and Reeves were out looking for someone to ‘mess up’ that night. David, Joey and Anthony did everything they could do to avoid the first fight and then they were ambushed and ran for their lives when the second altercation began. If Heckler felt this was a mutual fight he was wrong. He was very wrong. I was just so devastated.
The only good thing that happened that day was we did get to see them led off again in handcuffs and shackles. They had to listen to their families and the pain they had caused them. I doubted they gave my family or David one thought. I doubted they even grasped the idea of how much damage they had done. Did they even realize they were going to hell? They were probably both just feeling sorry for themselves. I hoped they were scared to death about where they were headed. I hoped they feared for their lives.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Friday Fragments
It has been one crazy week for me!
I have gone back to work at my day job after being off for 6 months with a
very pesky concussion, torn rotator cuff and pinched nerves in my neck.
I am anxiously awaiting the date for my brand new grand daughter's arrival (she will arrive via c-section)
I cannot concentrate on my next book..so I'm making that one #3 and #3 will be #2
Happy Friday Everyone!
I have gone back to work at my day job after being off for 6 months with a
very pesky concussion, torn rotator cuff and pinched nerves in my neck.
I am anxiously awaiting the date for my brand new grand daughter's arrival (she will arrive via c-section)
I cannot concentrate on my next book..so I'm making that one #3 and #3 will be #2
Happy Friday Everyone!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
I made it through April...
The anniversary of David's death has come and gone. The memorial service was as usual emotional. I cannot believe it has been 11 years but I say that every year. What made this April even harder to bare was the fact that one of the murderers is now off of parole. Free to roam the streets and spew his venom on my family and anyone else he chooses too. I catch myself wishing he would hurt someone else so he would have to go back to prison. Of course I honestly would never wish that kind of pain on any other family so why does the thought creep into my head? I have dreams of really horrible things happening to him and his family; specifically his sister who never misses an opportunity to say hurtful things to us and brazenly stays wherever we are be it a party or a store or a bar. Also another of the murderers is now out of prison. He is still on parole but that has not stopped 'the sightings' of him. And of course 11 years later none of the others involved in beating my brother to death have been charged with anything.
To throw more salt on my wounds the evil district attorney who would not charge the others is now a judge and the trial judge who handed out the worst sentences for murder I have ever heard of and still 11 years later cannot believe it happened; well that judge is now the district attorney. Can I get a break here? Seriously I have waited all these years for her to be gone. I prayed for a district attorney that would work on the still open case. It is just such a blow to my faith and hope but I will never give up fighting for justice.
As far as the book goes. I am in limbo. Pre-production. I am told this is the best time to really work on my next two works in progress. I am trying to do that. I am writing at least 2 hours every day some days more some days less. I am having a little trouble concentrating. I have so much to look forward too. A brand new grand daughter coming very soon and the release of "Bristol Stomp". But I am still stuck in this how can I be so sad and so happy at the same time phase. I need some good news, yes good news would help.
To throw more salt on my wounds the evil district attorney who would not charge the others is now a judge and the trial judge who handed out the worst sentences for murder I have ever heard of and still 11 years later cannot believe it happened; well that judge is now the district attorney. Can I get a break here? Seriously I have waited all these years for her to be gone. I prayed for a district attorney that would work on the still open case. It is just such a blow to my faith and hope but I will never give up fighting for justice.
As far as the book goes. I am in limbo. Pre-production. I am told this is the best time to really work on my next two works in progress. I am trying to do that. I am writing at least 2 hours every day some days more some days less. I am having a little trouble concentrating. I have so much to look forward too. A brand new grand daughter coming very soon and the release of "Bristol Stomp". But I am still stuck in this how can I be so sad and so happy at the same time phase. I need some good news, yes good news would help.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
From "Bristol Stomp" ....The Sentencing..
Driving to the courthouse that day was surreal. I could not believe it was March 17, 2000. It was Saint Patrick’s Day. Hopefully that meant the day would be lucky. I guess that is not the right thought. What I wanted had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with justice.
David died in April. It was nearly a year. I had trouble comprehending it had almost been a year. Little Michael will be turning two at the end of this month. I thought about Michael’s first birthday. That was the last time our entire family was together, happy. I remembered Dave’s smile that day as he proudly held his son. The tears started.
I had to pull over. I had to pull myself together. I wanted to do an effective job reading my impact statement. The prosecutor told us this was our day in court. We did not have to cry quietly. We were not going to be told where we could look and where we couldn’t. Our day in court, yes this was important. I had to get myself together.
I pulled down my visor mirror and did my best to repair my running makeup. Shortly I would witness once again the two scumbags being led off to prison in shackles. This time they would be going off to prison for at least twenty five years. That thought gave me peace. Not happiness, just peace. And of course there was satisfaction in the sight. I could not help that feeling. The thought of the two of them being thrown into little cells with little windows, alone, God forgive me but that was satisfying. I felt better, stronger so I pulled back onto the road.
As I saw the huge round building, I thought about how out of place it looked in this old town. It was too modern. I wondered who designed the ugly building. Maybe ugly isn’t fair, it didn’t fit the landscape of historic Doylestown. Supposedly the courthouse was built here because Doylestown was the center of Bucks County. I wondered what it looked like from the air. It probably looked like a big round ugly dot right there in the center of Bucks County.
I loved the quaint little town. The shops, the old Victorian homes, galleries, the restaurants and of course the bars and churches that reminded me of Bristol. The people that lived in this town, a lot of them were stuck up. They thought their town was so much better than Bristol. They thought they were better. But they did not have the Delaware River and I doubted this town could even come close to the real small town feel of Bristol.
I parked, and started my long walk around the ugly round building. It was windy and as usual I was freezing. I wished bad karma on the idiot that locked the doors closest to the parking lot and the cheap morons that did not install security at both entrances. Things would have moved so much quicker and smoother. The security lines were always too long.
If I was in charge, what a thought that was. There would of course be two entrances. I would also provide some kind of safe haven area for victims and their families. The way it is now, throwing everyone together like cattle was ridiculous. It was also very dangerous.
There was talk of tearing this courthouse down and building a new one. I hoped whoever designed the new building would be a little more compassionate towards victims.
Once again, there were many sheriffs in the hallway leading to the courtroom. I was surprised once again at the large crowd. I scanned around looking for my family. I did not feel safe with so many people gathered in such a small area. I saw my friend Sam the policeman who was now a county sheriff. I would have to remember to wish him a happy Saint Pat’s Day. I knew it was one of his favorites. I missed seeing him in his patrol car in Bristol. He had been there for so long.
I had barely arrived when I was bombarded by my family with the news that Galione and Reeves also had the right to have people speak on their behalf. I was livid. We should have known. It would have changed the way we prepared. We would have had more letters written, we would have asked more friends and relatives to be here for us. I tried so hard not to cry. Damn, I did not want to have to fix my make-up again. I wanted to appear confident and in control.
I was truly shocked to see that Nicole Rivera, Jerry Reeves, girlfriend brought their baby to court. This poor baby had been born with no arms or legs. I felt they were using the baby for sympathy. From what I had heard Jerry had never been there for Nicole or the baby. I did feel sorry for Nicole and hoped she would have the common sense to move on with her life and find some happiness. I hoped her family would be there to support her. For Galione’s girlfriend, Janine, I wished misery for her. She washed David’s blood off Galione’s clothes and lied under oath. I knew she would not stick around and wait for her man. She was too selfish.
I was not prepared for the friends and family of the defendant’s to be given the opportunity to speak. It was sheer torture sitting there listening to how wonderful these two young men were. They were murderers. It was ridiculous. Galione presented the judge with seventy letters of support. Galione’s parents enlisted their friends to speak on their son’s behalf saying, “he has always been so polite”. I was going to be sick again. The judge even commented as to how disturbing it was to that so many of the letters claimed Galione was innocent. The parade of aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and teachers seemed to go on forever.
When it was finally my turn to speak I walked to the front of the courtroom and faced the judge. I got through my letter. Tears stung in my eyes but I fought them off. I did the best I could. When I finished, Mel Kardos asked permission to question me. That had not happened to anybody else all day. I looked at Matt and he shook his head yes. The judge granted the permission. I was shaking. He asked me where I worked. I was stunned. What was his point? I told the judge I was scared to say where I worked. I did not want any of them; to know where I worked. I knew Kardos wanted me to say I worked at The Bucks County Courier Times. He was going to say I had something to do with the press coverage of this case. It was ridiculous, I was lucky if I got a pen in that building let alone the power to drive the news. I turned to Kardos, smiled sarcastically and answered I worked for a company called GPN. He was clearly, annoyed that he did not get the answer he wanted. It was the truth. GPN was Greater Philadelphia Newspapers, I did not lie. That was what was on my paychecks.
I nervously looked over at Laurie Mason, she is the writer for The Bucks County Courier Times, that covers all trials and court related events. She even has her own little office in the basement of the courthouse. I thought that was so cool. She smiled. I ran up to her as soon as it was over and asked her if I lied. She laughed, and said no. She said it was amazing that I came up with the perfect truthful answer.
I found out later from the prosecutor and the reporters that they had never, ever, heard someone questioned after giving an impact statement. It was another excuse to hate Mel Kardos. What an arrogant sob he is!
David died in April. It was nearly a year. I had trouble comprehending it had almost been a year. Little Michael will be turning two at the end of this month. I thought about Michael’s first birthday. That was the last time our entire family was together, happy. I remembered Dave’s smile that day as he proudly held his son. The tears started.
I had to pull over. I had to pull myself together. I wanted to do an effective job reading my impact statement. The prosecutor told us this was our day in court. We did not have to cry quietly. We were not going to be told where we could look and where we couldn’t. Our day in court, yes this was important. I had to get myself together.
I pulled down my visor mirror and did my best to repair my running makeup. Shortly I would witness once again the two scumbags being led off to prison in shackles. This time they would be going off to prison for at least twenty five years. That thought gave me peace. Not happiness, just peace. And of course there was satisfaction in the sight. I could not help that feeling. The thought of the two of them being thrown into little cells with little windows, alone, God forgive me but that was satisfying. I felt better, stronger so I pulled back onto the road.
As I saw the huge round building, I thought about how out of place it looked in this old town. It was too modern. I wondered who designed the ugly building. Maybe ugly isn’t fair, it didn’t fit the landscape of historic Doylestown. Supposedly the courthouse was built here because Doylestown was the center of Bucks County. I wondered what it looked like from the air. It probably looked like a big round ugly dot right there in the center of Bucks County.
I loved the quaint little town. The shops, the old Victorian homes, galleries, the restaurants and of course the bars and churches that reminded me of Bristol. The people that lived in this town, a lot of them were stuck up. They thought their town was so much better than Bristol. They thought they were better. But they did not have the Delaware River and I doubted this town could even come close to the real small town feel of Bristol.
I parked, and started my long walk around the ugly round building. It was windy and as usual I was freezing. I wished bad karma on the idiot that locked the doors closest to the parking lot and the cheap morons that did not install security at both entrances. Things would have moved so much quicker and smoother. The security lines were always too long.
If I was in charge, what a thought that was. There would of course be two entrances. I would also provide some kind of safe haven area for victims and their families. The way it is now, throwing everyone together like cattle was ridiculous. It was also very dangerous.
There was talk of tearing this courthouse down and building a new one. I hoped whoever designed the new building would be a little more compassionate towards victims.
Once again, there were many sheriffs in the hallway leading to the courtroom. I was surprised once again at the large crowd. I scanned around looking for my family. I did not feel safe with so many people gathered in such a small area. I saw my friend Sam the policeman who was now a county sheriff. I would have to remember to wish him a happy Saint Pat’s Day. I knew it was one of his favorites. I missed seeing him in his patrol car in Bristol. He had been there for so long.
I had barely arrived when I was bombarded by my family with the news that Galione and Reeves also had the right to have people speak on their behalf. I was livid. We should have known. It would have changed the way we prepared. We would have had more letters written, we would have asked more friends and relatives to be here for us. I tried so hard not to cry. Damn, I did not want to have to fix my make-up again. I wanted to appear confident and in control.
I was truly shocked to see that Nicole Rivera, Jerry Reeves, girlfriend brought their baby to court. This poor baby had been born with no arms or legs. I felt they were using the baby for sympathy. From what I had heard Jerry had never been there for Nicole or the baby. I did feel sorry for Nicole and hoped she would have the common sense to move on with her life and find some happiness. I hoped her family would be there to support her. For Galione’s girlfriend, Janine, I wished misery for her. She washed David’s blood off Galione’s clothes and lied under oath. I knew she would not stick around and wait for her man. She was too selfish.
I was not prepared for the friends and family of the defendant’s to be given the opportunity to speak. It was sheer torture sitting there listening to how wonderful these two young men were. They were murderers. It was ridiculous. Galione presented the judge with seventy letters of support. Galione’s parents enlisted their friends to speak on their son’s behalf saying, “he has always been so polite”. I was going to be sick again. The judge even commented as to how disturbing it was to that so many of the letters claimed Galione was innocent. The parade of aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters and teachers seemed to go on forever.
When it was finally my turn to speak I walked to the front of the courtroom and faced the judge. I got through my letter. Tears stung in my eyes but I fought them off. I did the best I could. When I finished, Mel Kardos asked permission to question me. That had not happened to anybody else all day. I looked at Matt and he shook his head yes. The judge granted the permission. I was shaking. He asked me where I worked. I was stunned. What was his point? I told the judge I was scared to say where I worked. I did not want any of them; to know where I worked. I knew Kardos wanted me to say I worked at The Bucks County Courier Times. He was going to say I had something to do with the press coverage of this case. It was ridiculous, I was lucky if I got a pen in that building let alone the power to drive the news. I turned to Kardos, smiled sarcastically and answered I worked for a company called GPN. He was clearly, annoyed that he did not get the answer he wanted. It was the truth. GPN was Greater Philadelphia Newspapers, I did not lie. That was what was on my paychecks.
I nervously looked over at Laurie Mason, she is the writer for The Bucks County Courier Times, that covers all trials and court related events. She even has her own little office in the basement of the courthouse. I thought that was so cool. She smiled. I ran up to her as soon as it was over and asked her if I lied. She laughed, and said no. She said it was amazing that I came up with the perfect truthful answer.
I found out later from the prosecutor and the reporters that they had never, ever, heard someone questioned after giving an impact statement. It was another excuse to hate Mel Kardos. What an arrogant sob he is!
Friday, April 23, 2010
The Trial
It was a cold morning. I had to stop at work before heading to the courthouse. I hate the cold. It would be such a long walk from the parking lot to the courthouse. Opening statements would happen this morning. I was a nervous wreck. I thought about all of the work I would be missing again.
The courtroom was crowded. My whole family was there. I saw our court advocates right away and felt better. I expected a lot of media, my family and friends to be there. What I had not expected, was the large group of people there to support Galione and Reeves. This really surprised me. I really didn’t expect the attitudes they had towards us. The nasty looks and comments hurt. I would have expected some shred of compassion. This was hard enough and now we had to deal with them.
I noticed right away a life size photo of Dave at the front of the courtroom. I had not expected that but it made me feel like he was there.
In his opening statement, Matt Weintraub said he would put witnesses on the stand that would testify that David, Joey and Anthony were so terrified they tried to flee. They banged on doors begging for help. Neighbors would testify that David was pleading for his life, screaming, don’t kill me I have a kid. This is a case of senseless violence, Matt said. It was chilling. I watched the juror’s faces as Matt was speaking. I was glad they seemed to be paying attention. Matt was impressive.
Jerry Reeves’ attorney was Peter Hall. He was a public defender. He was kind of dumpy looking but seemed professional. He seemed annoyed by Matt’s opening statement. Mel Kardos’ on the other hand seemed fidgety. He was shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes. Perhaps I just did not like him. I know I did not like him. I could not help thinking he should have just told his client to tell the truth. To say yes I hit him in the head many, many times with the claw end of the hammer, I am very sorry but I am guilty. I may have felt differently. I may not have.
Jimmy Galione looked ridiculous. He was dressed in dark blue pants, a dress shirt and a dark blue sweater vest. They were trying to make him look like an innocent little Catholic school boy but he was so tall it just looked hideous. He did not look sorry. He looked like a liar. He occasionally turned around and smiled at one of his family members. I wanted to puke.
Jerry Reeves looked uncomfortable. He kept his head down most of the time, especially when Matt was speaking. At least he looked guilty.
Let me tell you it takes a lot of self control to be in this position. I love my country. I do believe in our justice system but there is a lot that could be improved. Sitting in a court room full of the killer's supporters is inhumane. There has to be a better way. I tried so hard to ignore them; but they made it impossible.
The courtroom was crowded. My whole family was there. I saw our court advocates right away and felt better. I expected a lot of media, my family and friends to be there. What I had not expected, was the large group of people there to support Galione and Reeves. This really surprised me. I really didn’t expect the attitudes they had towards us. The nasty looks and comments hurt. I would have expected some shred of compassion. This was hard enough and now we had to deal with them.
I noticed right away a life size photo of Dave at the front of the courtroom. I had not expected that but it made me feel like he was there.
In his opening statement, Matt Weintraub said he would put witnesses on the stand that would testify that David, Joey and Anthony were so terrified they tried to flee. They banged on doors begging for help. Neighbors would testify that David was pleading for his life, screaming, don’t kill me I have a kid. This is a case of senseless violence, Matt said. It was chilling. I watched the juror’s faces as Matt was speaking. I was glad they seemed to be paying attention. Matt was impressive.
Jerry Reeves’ attorney was Peter Hall. He was a public defender. He was kind of dumpy looking but seemed professional. He seemed annoyed by Matt’s opening statement. Mel Kardos’ on the other hand seemed fidgety. He was shrugging his shoulders and rolling his eyes. Perhaps I just did not like him. I know I did not like him. I could not help thinking he should have just told his client to tell the truth. To say yes I hit him in the head many, many times with the claw end of the hammer, I am very sorry but I am guilty. I may have felt differently. I may not have.
Jimmy Galione looked ridiculous. He was dressed in dark blue pants, a dress shirt and a dark blue sweater vest. They were trying to make him look like an innocent little Catholic school boy but he was so tall it just looked hideous. He did not look sorry. He looked like a liar. He occasionally turned around and smiled at one of his family members. I wanted to puke.
Jerry Reeves looked uncomfortable. He kept his head down most of the time, especially when Matt was speaking. At least he looked guilty.
Let me tell you it takes a lot of self control to be in this position. I love my country. I do believe in our justice system but there is a lot that could be improved. Sitting in a court room full of the killer's supporters is inhumane. There has to be a better way. I tried so hard to ignore them; but they made it impossible.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
When was the first time you truly felt like a grown-up?
I woke up and felt like I couldn't breathe. My throat was so dry. I had to get up. I sat up and put my feet on the floor. I had trouble seeing. I could not tell if it was night or day; the air just looked and felt thick and foggy. I made my way down the hall and to the top of the stairs.I heard voices. I made it half way down and had to stop and rest. I sat on the step. I could hear the voices clearly now. It was the voices of my kid's and they were crying. They were trying to figure out what they could do to help me. My chest hurt; I was panicking. I ran back up the stairs and into the bathroom. I couldn't face them. I turned on the hot water and climbed into the shower. I wanted to feel something, anything but the sorrow that was consuming me. The hot water stung my skin. I leaned against the cold tile wall. My kids heart's were broken and I wanted someone to take care of me. I did not want to be in control, I wanted to lay in bed and have someone hold me. Someone like a husband or a Mom or a Dad. Not my kid's! I was overcome with guilt. I looked down and watched my tears bouncing into the water swirling around and then going down the drain. At that very moment I 'felt' like a grown-up and I needed to act like one. I realized I had been a grown-up my entire life. I was never a child. The oldest of 5 and a mother at 17. I just never thought about it. I needed to pull myself together. I needed to be a real grown-up and set an example for these kids. I was 41 and having trouble dealing with this tragedy. They were only 17, 19 and 23. I still had my parents and grandparents. I needed to show them that yes, bad things happen to good people but we have to live. I went back to work and back to school. I volunteered for a victim's service agency. Whenever I was around my kids I smiled. I did not want to I had too. I needed them to know it was okay to feel happy again. I saved all my crying for the shower.
11 years later times are different. I 'feel' like a grown-up when I'm holding on tight to my husband as we cruise down country roads on his motorcycle. It reminds me of a time when I was about 8 years old and road my bike down a hill with no hands. Yes, at one time I must have been a kid. I 'feel' like such a grown-up when I'm holding a little hand and jumping waves. When we are searching the beach for the best shells and staying on the beach when it rains. I 'feel' like a grown-up when I say yes to ice cream and cookies for dinner and M&M's in our cheerio's for breakfast. It's about watching cartoons until 2 am and cuddling on sofa cushions on the floor until we fall asleep.
Don't get me wrong I want my grand children to grow up happy, healthy and well adjusted but I 'feel' grown-up enough to pass that torch onto their parents. It is a torch they are quite capable of carrying.
I can honestly say I 'feel' so grown-up when I am spending well wasted time with the people I love and smiling because I want to not because I have too.
11 years later times are different. I 'feel' like a grown-up when I'm holding on tight to my husband as we cruise down country roads on his motorcycle. It reminds me of a time when I was about 8 years old and road my bike down a hill with no hands. Yes, at one time I must have been a kid. I 'feel' like such a grown-up when I'm holding a little hand and jumping waves. When we are searching the beach for the best shells and staying on the beach when it rains. I 'feel' like a grown-up when I say yes to ice cream and cookies for dinner and M&M's in our cheerio's for breakfast. It's about watching cartoons until 2 am and cuddling on sofa cushions on the floor until we fall asleep.
Don't get me wrong I want my grand children to grow up happy, healthy and well adjusted but I 'feel' grown-up enough to pass that torch onto their parents. It is a torch they are quite capable of carrying.
I can honestly say I 'feel' so grown-up when I am spending well wasted time with the people I love and smiling because I want to not because I have too.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
When I was alone I remembered the stupid things people said..
People really do say stupid things at funerals. My favorite stupid thing was "He's in a better place". Whenever I heard that I just wanted to scream...what better place? The best place for David was here with his wife and baby. Here with his family. Another favorite was "Time will help". Really, after eleven years I can tell you time DOES NOT HELP! My 26 year old brother was beaten to death for driving the speed limit. There is NO help for that!
What I appreciated hearing were the stories about David from his friends. Friends he had that I did not even know. I appreciated hearing the truth which was "There is nothing I can say or do". I appreciated the people that actually did something, like bring over food and take care of the babies for us. And then there was Tina; my dear friend; I was in the pit of hell and there she was sweeping the floor. I can still see her in my mind just being there and doing something as mundane as sweeping the floor. I cannot explain it, it was just so comforting.
Maybe it was just me that found these things people said to be inappropriate. Maybe it is okay to say to someone who has lost a loved one who had been suffering for a long time "They are in a better place".
What do you say or do in these awkward situations? I would really like to know...
What I appreciated hearing were the stories about David from his friends. Friends he had that I did not even know. I appreciated hearing the truth which was "There is nothing I can say or do". I appreciated the people that actually did something, like bring over food and take care of the babies for us. And then there was Tina; my dear friend; I was in the pit of hell and there she was sweeping the floor. I can still see her in my mind just being there and doing something as mundane as sweeping the floor. I cannot explain it, it was just so comforting.
Maybe it was just me that found these things people said to be inappropriate. Maybe it is okay to say to someone who has lost a loved one who had been suffering for a long time "They are in a better place".
What do you say or do in these awkward situations? I would really like to know...
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The never ending thoughts..
I tried to imagine myself with a hammer and a bat just pounding away at them. An eye for an eye it is in the bible, right? The truth is I could not do it. The thought of hurting anyone like that made me sick to my stomach. I thought about the atrocities in foreign countries. It was just not right. However, was the death penalty right? I concluded, in my mind it was. I also concluded it is not right the way it is in now, in America. It is a joke. It takes too long. Then there is the issue of mental competence. Should you be excluded from the death penalty if you are mentally retarded? Should you be excluded if you are mentally ill? What if you are a minor and you kill? I believe every legal step should be taken to prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt. It should just be done faster. I must admit the thought of this whole gang sitting on death row was a pleasant one. Waiting day after day wondering if this would be the day. Would that be torturous? I hoped so. David was tortured. I hoped they heard Dave’s pleas in their sleep. I hoped they felt his warm blood splattering on their faces. I hoped every time they closed their eyes they saw baby Michael’s innocent little eyes. I wanted them to feel every pain David had felt.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
It is almost April..
For the past 11 years I have hated April. Towards the end of March my body begins to feel heavy; I feel depressed and angry. I am very sensitive to everything, noise, light, happy people..everything upsets me. Then I realize it is almost April and with the dreaded month of April comes the reminder, the anniversary (how I hate that word) of David's death. It isn't just me; my husband's body, who's son also died in April, has the same physical symptoms. For all those people that said time will heal the wounds; I hate you..you lie. Time changes many things but not the pain and most certainly not the questions I still have unanswered and the mental anguish of what if's. I try to feel differently. I try to remember the happier memories, try to celebrate the life that lived rather than dwell on the life that ended too soon. I have so many blessings in my life to be thank full for. I will be thank full again in May. For now I will be sad and dread the month of April.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Do you believe in fate?
Just a few years ago, I did not believe in anything anymore. I was hanging on to faith by a thread, a very thin thread. I was pretending to have fun. I joined some dating sights and was dating a lot. I was pretending to be writing a book. Typing a few thoughts and sentences each night. Inside though; I was wallowing in self pity. I was fighting a fight for justice and I was losing. I hate to lose! Then this photo popped up in my in box. The guy was wearing a tank top (yeah, one of those wife beater ones) and he was leaning against a motorcycle. My first thought was "oh Lord". He sold cars for a living. Ugh! I was distracted for a few moments and when I got back to my computer the photo was still there. Usually the screen saving fish would have appeared. I wondered what happened to them. There was this man looking at me. His eyes were talking to me. I answered his e-mail. Our first meeting was like most first on line dating meetings. We met at a restaurant. I was not uncomfortable the way I was on most of these 'first meetings'. There were those annoying red flags that I swore to myself I would listen too. He was a recovering alcoholic. Huge red flag. 16 years sober; the flag faded. After finishing our conversation and our chicken salads, he asked me to go to the beach with him. I scared myself and agreed. I still have no idea how that okay just popped out of my mouth. He had a stuffed Winnie the Pooh on his dashboard. I love Pooh. From the moment I entered his truck I had the strangest feeling. Not an ut-oh you are about to be axe murdered feeling; more like an out of body experience. The songs softly coming from the radio were every one of my sentimental favorites. I never talked about my brother's murder on a date. Especially on a first date. This man started telling me how he lost his seventeen year old son. Then he mentioned the date his son died. I gave him what I am sure was the strangest look. My brother died on the same date. We arrived at the beach. It was totally deserted. We sat there talking, I told him about David. It seems silly but I swear I had never seen so many stars in the sky in my life. I should have been freezing. I'm always cold. Conversation continued; his father's name was Francis John. My father's name is Francis John. They both lived in the same town in Florida. We both had sisters named Dee. He told me we were sitting were he scattered his son's ashes. At that moment fireworks filled the sky. We had no idea where they came from as the town was literally deserted. Yes it started with him sending me an e-mail and me answering. What happened from that moment on I believe was a force much greater than the two of us. Some force decided two lost, sad souls needed to find one another. Thirteen months later I married that man on the very spot on the beach where we had our first date. There are no coincidences in God's world. I believe in fate.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
How is it possible to be so sad and so happy at the same time?
Chapters edited and approved. Chapters titled (may need edits; have not heard yet. Dedication written. This has been the slowest roller coaster ride of my life (well actually I've only been on 2 real roller coasters and I hate them) but..this has been a very long process and I have 2 full files of rejections to prove how long this ride has been. So now; with a big yes and so much fabulous feedback...why am I crying...all the time? It is almost like I do not want to let go of all of these thoughts and feelings I have put into words. Part of me wants to keep them with me in my soul forever and the other part wants to shout them from the mountain tops..maybe my cousin is right..I am having a bipolar moment..maybe I'm afraid of failure..maybe I'm nervous about book #2 and expectations...or am I just relieved! It was such a personal story to tell and will effect so many people; hopefully more in a positive way and less negatively. So here I go up that last hill...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Emotional..
I have 2 1/2 chapters left to edit and then we move on to design..So exciting but I have to admit re-reading and editing some of these chapters has stirred up a lot of emotion and anger..When it gets to be too much I switch to working on something else for awhile or play pogo..I am so addicted to Scrabble Blast!! I did something a little crazy again today; I applied to be on Deal or no Deal, now I'm panicked..what if I get picked?
It is March and I am always emotional in March because I know April is next and that is the month Dave was killed..it does not get any easier..This year will be 11 years..that blows my mind...will it ever get easier?
It is March and I am always emotional in March because I know April is next and that is the month Dave was killed..it does not get any easier..This year will be 11 years..that blows my mind...will it ever get easier?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
I write to express not to impress..
My blog has been up for 26 days now and I have 26 followers..some of my new writer friends tell me that is pretty good..Overall it has been a good experience..I am making a lot of diverse new friends in blogger land who are just starting to write or are seasoned professionals, all of them are inspirational and I am very grateful for their advice and encouragement. Kate was right when she said it is addicting..I just want to write more and more. I have been working on the outline for my second book which will be another narrative non-fiction; I am excited to get deeper into that one..but one day at a time..
Friday, January 8, 2010
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